Hi.. Today morning I went for my morning jog as usual and on the way I visited the fish market to check on my kitty I left there sometime back. I decided to go in morning as I wasn’t able to find her two to three times I visited the market and was getting worried. I raised her literally as a daughter after rescuing her from the roadside, feeding milk through syringe when she was too small to drink herself, use to come in lunch breaks from office to feed her and look after her and not having time for my own proper lunch. But due to certain circumstances that developed, I had no option to leave her, so I left her the safest possible place where all cats stay- the fish market of Khar, Mumbai. Went back and checked also and found her playing with other kittys .. I was relieved..
But as I checked recently she was nowhere to be found, I know I might sound a little cruel to you for abandoning her but I had no one at home to feed her, to look after her as I had 5 to 6 day corporate job and she use to be hungry more often now as she was growing bigger and sadly also no one adopts a stray kitten. That’s hard reality along with financial problems of a new guy in a town like Mumbai where rents are killing and not even enough to sustain oneself. However, I really still cared about her and went about asking everyone where is the kitty I left as I gave these people(in fish market- ones selling fish and chicken) food for her often, though there was plenty fish in the market.. they told me she died.. I was …. No words.. I asked why, she seemed happy and playful and was pretty healthy and cured completely when I left her (as earlier she had a big wound which got completely healed by dressing, chanting and surgery).. they said she started feeling ill, don’t know what happened and then died..during all this time I was busy with my job, with no time at all to visit her(one of the reasons I let her go).. I was crestfallen, felt guilty.. lot of things raced through my mind as I went home, you should not have left her.. You should have gotten her some other owner, you should have never have saved her in the first place.. Sadly the times when someone you love- even a pet comes in your life and then you part with them, it brings back all the memories of time you had to lose someone.. like a loved one to death or maybe a breakup.. This was one such moment and it hurt.. it hurt terribly..
I started wondering on why this happened.. when I had saved her.. all the moments we spent together raced through my mind..the small kittu after me wherever I went, the playing with paper balls, taking her in arms and lifting her.. tears rolled.. she was so happy.. I killed her.. but as my mind began to calm down after this madness.. things began to become clear.. this same guilt took over me the time I lost my father.. –“I am not a good son, I couldn’t save him, I was sleeping till 7”..But he passed away sometime in morning at 4.. What could anyone possibly do or know this was to happen and put a morning alarm for 4?.. this mind of ours does anything possible to disturb us and lead us to a miserable state.. that is the only truth.. I tell you.. Listen..
Death is the only certainty in life.. We may not do this or that in life but one thing is sure.. we will all die .. we may or may not marry, have kids, get divorced, no one knows.. but one thing is sure, we will die! and no matter what anyone says.. no one has control over it.. period.. no one.. in fact.. control is the biggest delusion of all.. once we start maturing and becoming good and in handling our lives well and manage stuff well, we become easily deluded that we are gods, that we have control.. Nothing could be further from the truth.. the truth is.. you are not in control of what is happening and some part of you is deeply in control of it.. it is a wonderful divine contradiction… but essentially this whole scheme of things is designed somewhere to ultimately make you surrender.. that there is something much beyond you and your plans which you can never understand and that controls everything and your wellbeing too.. That surrender is only happens when we go through these moments like death of a loved one.. or our pet.. to make us realize the meaning of life and the vanity of our tiny selves to open us up to something much bigger.. to open our lives.. this is completely planned.. and you are not in control of much of what happens but believe me you are part of this planning… how.. you don’t know it.. but you wrote to go through this to discover yourself by surrendering..
Death if looked at from a very narrow perspective.. closes us.. makes us sad.. makes us go on smoke drink rampage, but if we look at it with depth and its beauty.. it’s the most precious gift to you to witness these moments..Death if remembered at moment to moment level has the potential to liberate you from this utter nonsense and chaos going on where we think—I need to do this, then that.. I need to achieve one house, one car.. Remembrance of death grounds you in the present as you get aware- what if that year never comes- there is so much we take for granted.. with this remembrance we are able to feel one with the ultimate truth- “all is ephemeral, nothing will last” and hence the attachments and the associated stress/distress automatically goes away. . Krishna says in the first chapter of Gita, “attachment is the root cause to your misery” .. but our mind so deluded attaches to every next thing we see.. Oh, I love that car, I will get it next year, oh I love that guy/girl, I will get a good job and marry him/her.. and we start getting more and more attached and stressed if things seem going out of the plan.. the stupid mind not knowing what life has next.. which turn could be the last one.. I would say krishna your statement is absolutely correct but I love this statement more “Remember death doing all you do so as to remain free from ego and attachments and grounded in love”.. this statement because it not only tells that “attachment to the false and ephemeral is the reason for your unhappiness” but also tells a way out.. “remember death”.. all you do at the end of the day will not matter.. what will matter is how many people smiled because of you, how well as a good human you led your life, how many hungry roadside kids you fed and doing all these when you departed- was it with a smile and happy face or a painful and fearful face in last moments of truth..
At last I would like to say.. death carries an important message for us.. if you ignore it, you will remain in pain and lead a painful yet common mortal life, but if you allow it to penetrate deep, it can change your entire level of being.. nothing shall remain in you except love and kindness.. not ego.. no doership(thinking you are the doer).. no control.. just being present and loving.. and I hope you remember the scene from this movie- the Kung fu panda.. Tortoise Hoogway says to Shifu(mouse) “the dragon warrior will not fulfill his destiny, neither you your till you let go the illusion of control” Shifu says “what illusion, there are things I can control” and saying this he hits the tree hard and says “I can control when the fruit will fall” and while many fruits fall, one falls on his head.. Control!! Period!!! Looking back.. I did not control the moment I met kittu, the tiny kitty with big infection on her back who looked like she is not going to make it.. I did not control that despite her being so small and having a surgery.. she made it, even though I was busy at work and most of times she was alone at home.. I did not control having no option but leaving a healthy big cat at a place where even small kittens roam freely and eat fish.. and I did not control the death of a perfectly healthy and strong cat out of some strange sudden disease when I did not have time to breathe shifting jobs and struggling in Mumbai.. so why do I let my mind think that it could do anything to stop anything happening.. this happened as it was actually meant to happen.. the pain.. the trail.. the suffering but at last the realization and opening to the truth.. “nothing will last.. let go of your attachments.. and your illusion of control..” Merry Christmas..